I kept sitting around thinking about when and how I would write this. This past week has flown by miraculously. I thought that I'd cry when I wrote this. I thought a lot of things would happen but they never did. I think my tears have drained out of me in a way that would be described in a bad soap opera. My boyfriend left. The strangest thing happened. He said he couldn't be with me because he felt nothing for anyone anymore, and his depression was sinking back into him and he just needed to deal with it alone. I've spoken to others, close people, friends... that's what others call them. And the more they say they're with me on this, the more I realize I'm dealing with this alone. He took every ounce of respect and dignity that I had for myself when he left. I keep trying to tell myself that I never loved him, that I just loved the idea of him. Someone that was close and someone that appreciated me. But after we left the town he grew up in, he changed. He hated me for moving. I swear I only did it because we'd be closer to our jobs and farther from people that were trying to break what we had. And in the moment of the discussion to leave that dreaded city he agreed that the move would be for the best. Now that it's over my best friend finally told me what he'd been saying. That he'd had better than me, and that he'd been acting like a jerk for months so that I would break up with him, and he wouldn't feel guilty. I had written him a letter after a fight we'd had and I told him to read it alone. He read it aloud at a friend's home. He had also discussed with my best friend that he was going to admit to cheating on me so that I'd leave. He'd told so many lies, and after I found out that he had I figured that I deserved at least one lie. So after he left I told him that I was unfaithful, in hopes that he would admit who he cheated on me with, and that he'd tell me why. All he did was deny, and lied even more. He tried hard to turn me against my best friend in hopes that not only would I lose her I'd lose him and be completely alone. And she's admitted she's on my side, but I feel like I've lost her. She doesn't speak to me the way that she used to. And a part of me feels like she's still talking to him, and that she's lied to me as well. It may be because I feel like since the one person that I put my trust into lied to me the entire time that we were together. Why should a girl that I was just friends with tell me the truth now? Especially when I need someone to talk to more now than I ever have in the past. I went to bed with him, I shared my life with him. I made love to him. And all he did for months on end was accuse me of cheating. I assume that he felt like since every girl he'd ever dated had cheated on him that it would be impossible that I'd go this long without doing so. All I wanted was for him to be happy, and it seemed like he was with me. My mother says he's a coward. That the only reason he left was because he has no recognition of responsibility. His idea of the good life is living in his grandmother's basement, playing video games, having no bills, and sucking on her tit. The truth is, I'm finally getting the nerve to write this because I was afraid that if I wrote it before today that I'd have to admit that I was carrying his child. I had my period this morning, three weeks late. And I knew I was late the day that he left, but I couldn't think of what to say. The truth is that I went crazy when he said he was leaving because I thought that I was pregnant. And I knew, that even though he never grew up with his father around, that he'd react the same way as his father did to his birth if I had mentioned it. I guess you can take the father out of the son's life, but you can't take his genes out of his son's body. Whether he hates his father or not, he's still identical to him. He can't treat a woman the way he thinks he can, and he's definitely not mature enough to handle a relationship. I bet his father is living in his mother's basement right now. And I've been sleeping on the couch because it's smaller than my bed and I can pretend that the backside of it is a body. I cut off all casual sex contacts when Adam and I began to get serious. I deleted their names from my phone, and all I want is to call them and have them over, so I can actually go to my bedroom and sleep. And I want to feel something. I want to know that I still can. Because even though I didn't admit it when he told me that he felt nothing when we had sex anymore, I didn't feel anything either. It was like he was missing. And I tried sleeping in my bed the night he left and all I could do was have nightmares about him trying to come back. Can you believe that? The night he left, I thought I wanted nothing more than for him to be at the door with flowers and an apology, and when I dreamed of it, it was a nightmare. I can't explain the fear that I have of being responsible for all of the bills alone, and for doing only my laundry, instead of our laundry. It's the scariest feeling I've ever had. But I still have this confidence that I'm going to be able to make it. And I did so much for him. I put off school, my future, my education. I did that just to be able to spend every waking moment with him. And I regret every second of that. I'm going to go back to school in the Fall. I'm probably not going to date for awhile. I'm just going to go through men like tissue. I'll sleep with them and make them leave before I wake up in the morning. In truth he said that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, even after he left. He was the worst thing to ever happen to me. Why I would waste my time trying to better someone whose ideal job is a Kroger stock boy. And his idea of a great Friday night is playing Final Fantasy 11. I feel like I lucked out, you know? According to him, I made him miserable. He definitely made me bitter. And the greatest moment of my life will be the day his grandmother calls to invite me to his funeral because when he put the gun up to his head for a second time, there was actually a bullet in it.

Categories: truth [t]

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