Location Lexington, KY
School. Eastern Kentucky Univ
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Wednesday. 2.7.07 3:09 pm
I kept sitting around thinking about when and how I would write this. This past week has flown by miraculously. I thought that I'd cry when I wrote this. I thought a lot of things would happen but they never did. I think my tears have drained out of me in a way that would be described in a bad soap opera. My boyfriend left. The strangest thing happened. He said he couldn't be with me because he felt nothing for anyone anymore, and his depression was sinking back into him and he just needed to deal with it alone. I've spoken to others, close people, friends... that's what others call them. And the more they say they're with me on this, the more I realize I'm dealing with this alone. He took every ounce of respect and dignity that I had for myself when he left. I keep trying to tell myself that I never loved him, that I just loved the idea of him. Someone that was close and someone that appreciated me. But after we left the town he grew up in, he changed. He hated me for moving. I swear I only did it because we'd be closer to our jobs and farther from people that were trying to break what we had. And in the moment of the discussion to leave that dreaded city he agreed that the move would be for the best. Now that it's over my best friend finally told me what he'd been saying. That he'd had better than me, and that he'd been acting like a jerk for months so that I would break up with him, and he wouldn't feel guilty. I had written him a letter after a fight we'd had and I told him to read it alone. He read it aloud at a friend's home. He had also discussed with my best friend that he was going to admit to cheating on me so that I'd leave. He'd told so many lies, and after I found out that he had I figured that I deserved at least one lie. So after he left I told him that I was unfaithful, in hopes that he would admit who he cheated on me with, and that he'd tell me why. All he did was deny, and lied even more. He tried hard to turn me against my best friend in hopes that not only would I lose her I'd lose him and be completely alone. And she's admitted she's on my side, but I feel like I've lost her. She doesn't speak to me the way that she used to. And a part of me feels like she's still talking to him, and that she's lied to me as well. It may be because I feel like since the one person that I put my trust into lied to me the entire time that we were together. Why should a girl that I was just friends with tell me the truth now? Especially when I need someone to talk to more now than I ever have in the past. I went to bed with him, I shared my life with him. I made love to him. And all he did for months on end was accuse me of cheating. I assume that he felt like since every girl he'd ever dated had cheated on him that it would be impossible that I'd go this long without doing so. All I wanted was for him to be happy, and it seemed like he was with me. My mother says he's a coward. That the only reason he left was because he has no recognition of responsibility. His idea of the good life is living in his grandmother's basement, playing video games, having no bills, and sucking on her tit. The truth is, I'm finally getting the nerve to write this because I was afraid that if I wrote it before today that I'd have to admit that I was carrying his child. I had my period this morning, three weeks late. And I knew I was late the day that he left, but I couldn't think of what to say. The truth is that I went crazy when he said he was leaving because I thought that I was pregnant. And I knew, that even though he never grew up with his father around, that he'd react the same way as his father did to his birth if I had mentioned it. I guess you can take the father out of the son's life, but you can't take his genes out of his son's body. Whether he hates his father or not, he's still identical to him. He can't treat a woman the way he thinks he can, and he's definitely not mature enough to handle a relationship. I bet his father is living in his mother's basement right now. And I've been sleeping on the couch because it's smaller than my bed and I can pretend that the backside of it is a body. I cut off all casual sex contacts when Adam and I began to get serious. I deleted their names from my phone, and all I want is to call them and have them over, so I can actually go to my bedroom and sleep. And I want to feel something. I want to know that I still can. Because even though I didn't admit it when he told me that he felt nothing when we had sex anymore, I didn't feel anything either. It was like he was missing. And I tried sleeping in my bed the night he left and all I could do was have nightmares about him trying to come back. Can you believe that? The night he left, I thought I wanted nothing more than for him to be at the door with flowers and an apology, and when I dreamed of it, it was a nightmare. I can't explain the fear that I have of being responsible for all of the bills alone, and for doing only my laundry, instead of our laundry. It's the scariest feeling I've ever had. But I still have this confidence that I'm going to be able to make it. And I did so much for him. I put off school, my future, my education. I did that just to be able to spend every waking moment with him. And I regret every second of that. I'm going to go back to school in the Fall. I'm probably not going to date for awhile. I'm just going to go through men like tissue. I'll sleep with them and make them leave before I wake up in the morning. In truth he said that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, even after he left. He was the worst thing to ever happen to me. Why I would waste my time trying to better someone whose ideal job is a Kroger stock boy. And his idea of a great Friday night is playing Final Fantasy 11. I feel like I lucked out, you know? According to him, I made him miserable. He definitely made me bitter. And the greatest moment of my life will be the day his grandmother calls to invite me to his funeral because when he put the gun up to his head for a second time, there was actually a bullet in it.
Wednesday. 12.20.06 10:10 am
listening to: n/a
What's that new module to the left and why's it keep sending me to this badass website that kicks myspace's butt?
That'd be a question that you're all asking yourself right now. It's cool, whatever. I like when I start new trends so if you want to join please do it with the following link because it states that I referred you and it earns me more hip-cool kid-points.
Dropped off the face of the earth?
Thursday. 12.7.06 3:18 pm
listening to: n/a
mood: busy doesn't begin to describe
I've had a lot of shit go down. Finals are next week so I'm cramming. And the apartment complex I worked for had a really low occupancy level so they let me go and are letting other's go. And they have this stupid rule that previous employees aren't allowed to live there. So I've also had to search for a job and another apartment. I have to be out by January 1st. Merry Christmas to me right? Yeah, I'll be off for awhile, till I move again and need to come back. Good news is I've already found a job. I start the 19th.
Saturday. 11.11.06 1:52 pm
listening to: Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress - The Hollies
So I've been way too busy to function lately. No posts, no smart ass epiphanies. That will change. I met someone. This someone has this incredible ability to help me sort chaotic occurances in my life. I see a good friendship ahead. I needed a male friend that sees me as something other than a sexual object. Lyndee is a great girlfriend, but she could never help me in the ways this person can.
My pen pal and I are going strong, still. Amazing, eh? I'm getting all the poison out of my life. I hope to come back and actually share something worth sharing, but I'm short on time. Maybe something revolutionary to the world of NuTang readers. I shared my poetry book with Adam. He wasn't impressed as most people are. Probably because he doesn't understand any of it. I will write soon.
Wednesday. 11.1.06 2:36 pm
listening to: "Night Moves" - Bob Segar
So my boss has her head up her ass about corporate making random visits. That's why my online time hasn't been often. She left the office for lunch so I'm just kinda sneaking on her. I will only be online on Saturdays apparently because that's when I work all by myself.
So, in other "random Hayley's-life news," I have a pen pal.
My good friend, Eric, will be writing me once a week, and I will try to do the same. I had a pen pal back in the day, and I wrote her like twice and got bored.
Meet my pen pal.
Saturday. 10.21.06 12:16 pm
listening to: n/a
So I took a few photos of myself on Thursday while I was at work by myself. It seems only right to use them now that I remembered I have them while I'm once again at work by myself.
I'm not quite sure what this face is right here. I make this face often in conversation... but I was alone... and I don't recall talking to myself.
So this is why I get carded every time I try to buy cigarettes...
I feel like Billy Joel's wife in a convertible, chasing Chevy Chase while he's on a family vacation... except not as pretty.
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